When did I become a grownup?

It's been a slow process to this point - a point I wasn't entirely sure I'd ever make it to. But, here I am. 26 years-old and totally ready to be on my own. The catch, you ask? My Nana. (and she'd kill me for writing this in a public place, so keep it on the DL).

My 78 year-old Nana is amazing. She raised 6 kids on her own, and has helped with just about all of her grandchildren too. I'm no exception to this rule. When my mother died, 9 years ago now, it was my Nana who stepped in and took care of me. She's really taken care of me my whole life; she's my Mom and my Nana. She's seen me through everything, and never batted an eye over it.

Nana retired when I was in high school - she was forced to because of health issues. Since then, her health has slowly gotten worse and worse. Last year, at about this time, it started getting really bad. She ruptured a tendon in her calf, and was unable to walk for months. Because she's so stubborn, she tried to walk, fell down, and ended up with a fractured tailbone. That all resolved itself late last summer, but because she was unable to truly walk for so long, she's lost more of the little mobility she had left.

Everyday, all day, my Nana sits in her bedroom reading, watching television, and napping. She doesn't go anywhere except for the doctor, and she's depressed - a fact she'll deny forever. She's crabby, and stubborn, and the most independent person I know. Except she can't be. She needs help with everything; getting dressed, washing up, using the bathroom. You name it, she is forced to ask for help because she just can't.

I love her. I do. But, I keep asking myself how I am a 26 year old woman with a child. I feel guilty almost all of the time because I want to be on my own, have my own place, do my own thing. She'd tell me to; has told me to. Nana says she doesn't want to hold anyone back, but I hold myself back. I worry that it will be that one time I'm not there ...

This past year has been tough. A lot of really great things have happened, but it's getting harder and harder to have to worry all the time. I watch HGTV - too much - and see people searching for a new house or apartment and I want that. I want to look for those things, and entertain in a sweet new place. I can see it coming to that point in my life when I truly need to (excuse the cliche) leave the nest, but I don't know how Nana - and the rest of my family - will take it.