All or nothing.

I don't do things half way. Work. Relationships. Life. Nothing in my life gets less than 100%. That's who I am, who I've always been, and who I'll always be. Most of the time, this particular quality serves me very well. Often, especially emotionally, this is cause for personal problems.

It's easy to do things all the way for work, or school, or whatever. It's not always easy to be the kid who goes all way with her emotions. It gives off the vibe that I'm a drama queen. Sometimes, I'll admit, I am. However, most of the time, I'm not trying to be dramatic. Most of the time, I'm just trying to get through.

If I'm angry, I get angry all the way. I want to break things or scream at the top of my lungs or both at the same time. I don't get kind of annoyed. I get pissed. When something makes me happy, I'm giddy. I jump up and down, clap my hands, grin, and celebrate. I get as excited over a nice card as most people would get if they found $100 on the ground. And, when I'm sad, I'm saaaaad. I cry. I mope. I get pessimistic. If I have a confrontation with a person at school (or a friend, or whomever), I cry. I get upset enough to sit in my room and let myself cry about it. I'm not ashamed of being an emotional person, but I do frustrate myself because of it.

I let things bug me longer than they should. Other people would be upset for an hour or two, and my day is ruined. And even though, once I'm over it, I'm usually over it, I carry these things with me and it's hard.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the world who gets so emotional. The only one who lets things affect me so easily, and to such a great extent. I'm proud of the fact that I don't accept less than my very best, but what is that going to cost me emotionally?

Remember When

This post makes perfect sense to me, but I don't think it will to ANYONE else.

One of my favorite things about vacation is the ability to do so much without every really doing anything at all.

This evening, just now actually, I was reading a book (The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian). As I was reading this diary-esque novel, I was inspired to write something - anything. There are a few burning things in my life that I could write about, but none I want published for the world to see. And by world, I mean whomever is reading this (if anyone). So, I pulled out my Maine Writing Project notebook. In it are pages filled with notes, observations, writing starts, and everything else I never want to forget about the best summer ever.

Because I'm me, before I could actually write in this treasured book, I had to take a peek at what was in it, exactly. So, I started on page one and flipped trough the whole thing. Every day of the MWP is in there, and everyone who made it so special for me is represented. So, instead of writing in there, I got distracted by memories of the three weeks I spend filling it.

Now, here I sit, strolling through the pages, and my mind. And the best part if this whole thing is that there are SO MANY things in that little notebook that I did forget about.

I wrote an poem called "Ode to Ice Cream" during our writing marathon; when I read it, I was right back on the deck outside the union eating my brownie batter ice cream with Katye, Susan, and Keri.

There is a piece of paper from Meredith's learning autobiography with an amazing quote on it by Viktor Frankel: "That which is to give light must endure burning."

There are pages and pages filled with dialogue from the other Fellows - days when I was mucking, clearly.

Lists of poems and books remind me of all the reading I still need to catch up on.

Every single page is like a little present from MWPSI 2009.

So, what's the point of this whole post? Well ...

One year ago, I was applying to be a 2009 Fellow for the Maine Writing Project Summer Institute. One year ago, I was unhappy at work. One year ago, I wasn't sure I'd keep teaching. One year ago, I didn't have this small book. Now ...

A year later, I'm sitting at my computer writing a blog post about this THING I did on a whim. I'm writing. WRITING. Just because I feel like it, and because I MADE the time, I'm writing. A year later, I'm at my desk writing about a group of people who continue to inspire me, even 6 months after our goodbye. I'm writing about all of this because of a notebook filled with things I had forgotten.

I do this all time - this kind of find something to remember something dance. Photos, journals, notebooks ... I'll come across them, and get lost in remembering (usually during a vacation, because it's the only time I have time to stop and look). In the time it's taken me to write this post, I've replayed three weeks in my mind - I've done so much without really doing anything at all.

Since it's been a while ...

I haven't written in a very long time, but it's not because nothing noteworthy has happened. In fact, several noteworthy things have happened. I've just been too busy enjoying them to write it down. Here's a list of the good things happening right now in my life:

1. The Writing Center Training is going well. You can go here to see how well.

2. I enjoy getting up to come to work each day, because I have friends here now.

3. Still going to the gym, though not as regularly as I'd like due to recent illness and too many other things going on.

4. I'm reading voraciously, and I love it.

5. We're working on electives for the English department at school, and I came up with some wicked awesome ones.

I mean, I could keep going, but I feel like the act of listing all of these things might jinx me. Plus, Valentine's Day is on Sunday and I'm not sure how I feel about that.